couldn't afford to lose.

2011 has been so dramatic. masuk awal tahun 2012, aku buat guidelines and resolution dengan harapan this year will be much simple, less trouble & more productive. tapi sape lah kita nak tentukan takdir kita kan?

recently, sejak beberapa hari lepas, aku lagi banyak duduk atas katil & berfikir rather than cry my heart out.
why is this happening to me? what did i do in my previous life? it is so difficult to describe my feelings right now. i know i always have friends who willing to listen to my whining, but that's not enough actually :( it doesn't make me feel less upset with my situation right now.

you know when.
people mistreat you. your life mcm kena push down lagi. family and bestfriends are thousand miles away. orang-orang yang dekat tak memahami. hilang orang yang kita sayang. tak boleh focus study. tak boleh nak bangun pun. rasa mcm nk pejam mata 24:7. kalau boleh rasa macam nak vanish je.

the worst part is you actually lost words to describe your own feelings to yourself. not sure either you should cry or not. you upset for nothing. and i am not even broken  heart. i just... upset?

dengan berat hati, i called my umi last night. kalau depan orang i can hold my tears or pretend im strong enough to handle this situation, but depan umi no matter how small the problem is i will end up crying nonstop -.-' #biggestweakness

"sebab kita ni manusia suka sangat bergantung kat manusia. cuba kita pegang Allah kuat-kuat dalam hati kita, rely everything to Him, mesti tak sedih kan? memang tak boleh nak harap sangat kt manusia ni, aqilah"- umi :')

yeah, my mum is right :'( i tried all ways to make this upset feelings to go away. sadly it doesnt work. i couldnt even describe the feelings are. after habis solat, nak tadah doa nak minta doa pun dah rasa berat. i usually end up crying atas sejadah. siapa kata nak jadi aqilah hazian senang? nampak luaran memang lah nampak mcm heaven. who knows how upset i am now.

dont misunderstanding here. i dont cry because of people mistreat or leave me. i dont cry because i am weak person. i cry because it is really hard to hold and rely every breath to Allah :'( give a try, then you know how difficult it is. memang kita selalu cakap 'takpee Allah kan ade'. tapi sebenarnya berape percents je kita letak harapan tu kt tuhan? sikit je kan? kita selalu rely kt human, kan? :( then thats the main reason why i feel so upset right now and no one could make this burden any less.

(still, thanks to my close friends yang selalu ada when i need them. #touching may God bless all of you)

TAPI. saya ada tanggungjawab. saya ada study yang saya tak boleh give up. saya ada class yang saya tak patut skip. saya ada faith yang saya takkan lost. saya ada target yang saya tak boleh lepaskan mcm tu je. saya ada orang yang still sayang saya & sedih kalau tengok saya mcm ni.


a problem w/out solution, right? well, let time heals this pain. i gonna try hard to find the real happiness.
less complaining. less emotional. more sabar. more redha. more tenang.
and less tweet emo stuff (heuheu close friends, you know how badddd i can be when i get mad kan -.-)

and i believe that i actually didnt cry alone.
i believe other people also cry for the almost same thing.

and saya tak marah & blame siapa-siapa pun

i'm not even mad :)